take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
