Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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