does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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