I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
