I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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