i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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