your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Your penis caused this!
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