I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
