i was born a porn star she said
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
why do cheetos always look like penises
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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