i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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