Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Ambien. No doubt about it.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
