he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
So squirting runs in the family.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
