oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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