Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I think your dad took our porno
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
