how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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