I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
