Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
