At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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