did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
