If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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