either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
