The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
