Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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