i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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