Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
