I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
