Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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