i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Reggie can tackle my bush.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
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