So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
then he tried to convert me to islam
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
