i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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