Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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