ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
