I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
