Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
