Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The struggles of a small town man whore
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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