Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
