I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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