lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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