Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize