are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
