Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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