don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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