all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Sext me about skeletons
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
tell me about the eggs
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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