My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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