Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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