I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
