time to smoke my breakfast
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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