Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
