Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
