I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
