wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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