You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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