You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
