genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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