According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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