I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
