I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
