The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
