Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
