Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
